One Too Many
by Return of Yagami Iori
Summary: Somewhat meta-fic. How many fictives can show up before the canon characters can't take it anymore?


One Too Many

By Yagami Iori

A/N: This is somewhat meta-fic.  It's complete and utter silliness, but has a serious message.  Oh, and any weird glimpses into the author's mind are intended, even though they interrupt the flow of the story.  It's a hallmark of bad Mary Sue-fic.  Enjoy!  Oh, and I'm a review junkie.  Please leave feedback!  ^_~

Other A/N: In case you didn't know, "Love is a Battlefield" has been updated recently with chapter three.  Check it out if you're a fan!

            It was a warm summer day at Balamb GARDEN.  In her second floor classroom, Instructor Quistis Trepe was trying in vain to smile at the new fictive... er, I  mean exchange student.  The girl was tall and willowy, with luxurious raven hair, highlighted with deep purple, that fell to her waist.  Her eyes were the piercing violet of amethysts, and her cheekbones were high and exquisite.  Quistis was mentally gagging throughout the interview.

            "My name is Malenda Ravenia Luchimonde.  I'm one of the only survivors from Trabia GARDEN.  When I was little, my parents were killed and I was sent to an orphanage run by Edea Kramer."

            "Let me guess," Quistis uncharacteristically spat.  "You're the long-lost sister of Irvine Kinneas.  Or you're the secret daughter of  Sorceress Adel.  Or both.  Or perhaps you're Seifer's childhood sweetheart.  Or a version of Ellone from an alternate universe."

            "I don't know what you're talking about," Malenda replied.  "Anyway, my weapon of choice is the..."

            "Gunblade?" Quistis offered.

            "How did you know?" Malenda inquired, surprised.

            "It always is with you people.  Now I need to give your test results to Squall.  Come with me."  Quistis motioned for Malenda to follow her.  They strolled through the halls of GARDEN, making their way to the headmaster's office.  As they passed the dorms, every male was wracked with lust just from a glance at Malenda.  So were Fujin and Xu, but that's another story entirely.

            As they rode the elevator up to Squall's office, Quistis turned to the girl.  "I'll do the talking.  You just sit in a chair and shut up," she said sharply.  Malenda nodded obediently and let out a radiant smile that nearly blinded Quistis.  "And don't do that!"

            "Hello, Quistis," Squall remarked.  "Ah, and who do we have here?"

            "My name is Malenda Ravenia Luchim-"

            "She's the new girl," Quistis interrupted.

            "Well, what are her test results?" Squall inquired.

            "Oh, please Squall!  Don't make me say it!  It's the fourth Mary Sue this week!"

            "You have to, Quistis.  We're canon characters.  It's our job to make room for annoying fictives," Squall reminded her.

            "Oh, alright, but it burns my tongue to say it."  Quistis's voice became deadpan and monotonous.  "She has a higher GF compatibility rate than Selphie, is better with a gunblade than you OR Seifer, is smarter than me, has Sorceress powers, and can... Oh, Squall, I just can't say it!" 

"You have to."  Squall was standing firm on the subject.  

"Oh, alright!  She can... she can... she can junction Griever!"  Quistis burst into tears.

"There, there, Quistis."  Squall hugged the instructor as she wept deep, bitter tears.  "She's a fictive.  There's nothing we can do."

Malenda skipped off merrily to her dorm.

***

            It was two days later.  The fictive had settled into her dorm.  Selphie was her roommate, of course.  Because they were at Trabia together.  And stuff.  Anyway, she was quickly adjusting to life at Balamb GARDEN.

            However, her arrival had upset the canon characters.  They met in Squall's office, each bearing their own complaint.

            Quistis was first.  "I can't keep up with her!  She's advancing in SeeD rank every five minutes!"  Oh, did I mention that Malenda was named a SeeD on the first day?  'Cuz she was.  And stuff.

            Selphie was next.  "Why does she have to be in MY dorm?  I can't invite Irvine over anymore because he fawns over her like everyone else!"

            Then came Zell.  "She got Seifer.  MY Seifer.  And he's GAY.  She has evil powers, man!  I mean, we've had some bad Mary Sues before, but this is the worst!"

            Rinoa chimed in.  "I'm not the only girl with slutty highlights anymore!"  Everyone proceeded to ignore Rinoa.  They usually did, anyway.  And stuff.

            Irvine showed up with his arm in a sling.  "Ah took 'er ta the trainin' center and tried to make a move.  She used 'er Sorceress magic ta snap mah arm!"

            Xu arrived in a huff.  "Fujin wants that new girl instead of me!  She's the most unearthly beautiful fictive we've ever had!"

            Edea showed up next.  "She used her Sorceress magic to revive a bunch of dead people.  That's not kosher."  Oh, did I mention that?  Of course Edea's Jewish.  Her name's KRAMER.  I mean, what else could she be?  And stuff.

            Cid even popped in.  "Even I'm in love with her.  And I can't even get it up!"  This was one Mary Sue too many.  Quistis quickly formulated a plan and shared it with all of the canon characters.

***

            The next day, at lunch, all of the canon characters didn't talk to Malenda.  They didn't pay any attention to her when she smiled, didn't say anything when a huge monster arrived and Malenda saved the day.  Nobody courted Malenda, nobody told her how beautiful she was, and NOBODY had sex with her.

            Finally, Malenda screamed.  She let out an unearthly wail that shook the foundation of GARDEN.  Of course It has a foundation.  Um, even though it floats.  And stuff.  Her long hair became short and lost its violet luster, her eyes became a dull green, and her stunning purple dress became clothes from Old Navy.  Oh, and she turned into a guy.  And stuff.  Her(?) body quaking, she(?) shrieked continuously as a portal opened in the floor and spectral hands reached out, dragging her(?) back to subreality.

            "How did you know that would work?" Squall asked.

            "Simple," Quistis replied.  "A Mary Sue is simply an extension of the author.  It is created as a conduit through which the author can interact with his or her favorite characters.  If all interaction ceases, then the Mary Sue loses its power and is dragged back to the depths of subreality.  Where it belongs."

            And so, the canon characters resumed their daily lives, enjoying their momentary respite until the next fictive showed up.  Um, and stuff.

~OWARI~


End file.
